Celebrate Love with Balance
It’s that time of year again – the season of decadent chocolates, flower bouquets galore, and all the pink, red, and white hearts you can handle in a month. Valentine’s Day is upon us and so is the season of love. I am here to spread some virtual hearts in case the haze of the holidays and never-ending January has you out of touch.
The holidays, the new year and resolutions, winter and no sun, spring/summer plans being too far off to imagine – all of these things get people drained this time of year. Most people I’ve been talking to are relieved January’s end has come. It’s cold, it’s dark, and it’s seemed to have a vengeance for some people I know. One of my co-workers put it best, saying, “January woke up with a migraine.” I know other folks who have their resolutions in full swing (some have even run their course by now). Regardless of where you’re at on your “New Year, New Me,” goals, most people around me seem to be in need of some extra fuel in their tanks to keep things moving and get them through to spring.
Although Valentine’s Day is coined as a day for lovers, as a recently married person, I have always found ways to make it fun and celebrate love with my family and friends, even when I was single. Remember when we were kids and did cards for all of our classmates? My parents would always have a card for my brother and I at breakfast on V-day, too. I appreciate how modern shows like Parks & Rec have highlighted concepts like Galentines Day to elevate the celebration of women's friendships and love during this season. I say, embrace Valentine's Day and the happy, joyful, hopeful love it represents and apply it in every direction you can think of – starting with you!
Indulge In Self-Love
Practicing self-love is critical to a healthy body, mindset, and sense of being. If you have read any of the research in the last decade on stress, you know it can have major impacts (in the really scary, “long term health issues” or “shortened lifespan” kind of way). I know that sounds a little dramatic, but it’s the reality – we are not endless sources of energy. To be available to give all we need to in life, we must first fuel our own existence.
I like to use the airplane analogy: In the safety demonstration, they always tell you to secure your oxygen mask before helping the person next to you, even if this is your child or loved one. This is for a very practical reason. By ensuring that you’re still breathing, you remain conscious, can be helpful, and therefore alive. This is like that.
We all have daily requirements to keep us going. Food, water, and getting enough quality sleep are the minimal basics. Most people also need connection and stimulation to feel fulfilled. So, here’s your reminder to turn up the volume on these activities, not let the resolutions that serve you die off, and always remember that the sun is coming!
Many people minimize the idea of self-care by putting it in the category of getting a mani-pedi, a massage, or some kind of pampering. Sometimes it serves as a “cheat day” on a diet or reason to break from routine. While I fully believe all of the above can fill your cup and be part of a great self-care routine, there are so many ways to take care of ourselves and it’s pretty important that we do! I’d like to suggest a few things I find really helpful this time of year to keep me going.
Do something to ground yourself every day! Check in with yourself and your body. How are you actually feeling? Can you do something gentle to acknowledge and address that? Not everything has to be solved in the moment, and whatever we are carrying in our bodies and minds doesn’t have to be something we carry with us all day. My simple routine: Sit back, take a deep breath or 5, scan your body, scan your mind, breathe in and breathe out to release it. Repeat as needed to get going with your day.
Create something – anything! Exercise both parts of your brain and integrate some color into your day to get an extra boost! Try a new craft or dig out that pile of yarn and crochet hook in your closet. This time of year is wonderful for indoor activities that can bring a colorful tint to your life anytime you need it. Not feeling crafty or don’t have the time? Buy something crafted and colorful that brings you joy – bonus if you buy from a seller that makes you feel good.
Schedule a break from work or something to look forward to. One of the things that really weighs on people this time of year is not having plans that require time off or away from work. Do something intentional with a 3-day weekend, give yourself something to look forward to with friends or family in this time between now and summer.
Lastly, let’s talk about how much we’re missing the sun! Of course we are, getting outside can have major benefits, including reducing your stress! This time of year, most of us don’t go outside long enough to fulfill our activity and vitamin D requirements – things that are known to improve mood. The winter brings on challenges like rain, snow, and frigid temps causing us to exercise inside, or worse, skip taking these important breaks in our day.
The neat thing is we can simulate and supplement these things if you are truly out of luck with your outdoor climate. Think about it… Can you go to the zoo or aquarium or greenhouse gardens that make you feel like you’re outside? Can you access nature videos you’d enjoy on YouTube and couple that with some breathing or walking on your treadmill? Our brains are neatly wired to respond similarly to imagery of nature, so you can still experience some stress relief from mentally “putting yourself” in nature! Plus, with the modern medical technologies we have access to, we can have our vitamin D levels tested by a doc and increase our vitamin D consumption to offset the winter blues.
Shower Others with Love
Some people have an easier time showing others affection than giving it to themselves, which is why I started the blog with a major focus on self-love. But just like our habits with ourselves can become routine or lax, the demands of life and a schedule sometimes cause us to not fully pay attention to our loved ones. It’s easy to let days go by and not do anything out of the ordinary (and often “the ordinary” is not nothing when it comes to partners, kids, co-workers, friends, and our energy expenditures). But we know this time of year people need a pick-me-up, and even if you’re still fatigued from holiday gestures, you might be feeling compelled to share some love – and precious energy. Here’s my basic concept for you: pay attention to your loved ones and right-size your efforts for maximum impact, without a significant energy tax to you.
If you haven’t taken the Love Languages Quiz by Dr. Gary Chapman, I highly recommend it. I discovered the 5 Love Languages book many years ago and used it with couples back when I was a therapist. It helps you crack the code on how you interpret acts, gifts, services, words, or time as love and in what order of importance. It gives simple and relatable language to talk about how we all show and receive love differently – what comes naturally isn’t the same for everyone.
Learning how we filter actions as love is an important step to healthy relationships that are mutually fulfilling and not a constant drain. This easy quiz also makes it convenient for your loved ones to learn how they filter love, too. One of the best gifts we can give others is to pay attention to these factors and tailor our affection and efforts to have the biggest impact on them – even better if that minimizes the effort for us because we know where to focus. Then, a little effort on our part goes a long way to filling their love tank and energy reserves.
I have found this general concept works for every kind of relationship, just with the amount of investment applied appropriately to the type of relationship it is. For example, if I highly regard physical touch to fill my love tank, what that looks like with a partner is very different from the hugs I might share with a friend or a co-worker. Using this framework as a communication tool to help us better attend to people we care about is the key.
In short, my suggestion is for you to take the Love Languages quiz (if you haven’t) and have a chat with your loved ones inviting them to take it, too. Share your results with each other and apply your efforts to where you know it’ll have a huge impact for them (i.e., their highest Love Languages).
And, if you aren’t someone who remembers to buy the chocolate or make the reservation, here’s your reminder to activate those plans. If you’re someone who always goes all out for these occasions, here’s a gentle nudge to make sure what you are doing a) fills your loved one’s cup and b) fills yours, too. Scale as needed for your energy and theirs.